Good Grief...

 
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"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." ~Vicki Harrison

Grief - Definition: 1) keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2) a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

Sorry, I couldn't resist making a pun out of the title. I talked earlier about how to kill a character correctly in my post Tears and tea with Satan. However, now I want to address what happens after death. No not heaven or hell, but what happens in the minds and hearts of those the dead leave behind. 

When someone dies they create a ripple in the ocean. And suddenly, everyone else's lives are caught in chaos. The same goes for when you kill a character. The average period of coping time for death is anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Quite possibly longer depending on the character's relation to your POVC. Killing off any named character is a big deal. Those are people your readers have come to love/hate/or at least consider. 

This is not the kind of thing where after a week your POVC just never mentions your character's death again. 

To break it down I'm going to give you 22 stages of grief (Disclaimer: I found this chart on Pinterest and it has helped me very much. Unfortunately I do not know the original creator so all credit goes to them. Explanations I added myself.)

Loss - This is the stage where your POVC loses their loved one. Wether it's an acquaintance (though named) character like Collin Creevey, or a beloved icon like Fred Weasley, it's traumatizing for both your POVC, their companions, and your readers. 

Shock - Shock is what comes directly after the loss. And can appear in both your readers and your characters following the death. For a character shock can last days, sometimes over a week (though that isn't as common) depending on your POVC's relationship to the deceased. Shock Itself is an inability to process or accept an event. 

Numbness - Numbness is fun to play around with, though in real life its a very prevalent problem. This occurs after the fact that their friend is dead has finally begin to set in, but the shock of the event is still running through their veins. The pain is far too overwhelming to process all at once and so they will feel numb or empty for quite sometime. Now numbness in itself isn't a bad thing, its a normal process of grieving. Many people however struggle with believing they should feel more emotion during this period of time, and start to wonder if they really cared about said dead person or if they are simply monsters in human form. Both of which are utterly preposterous. However it makes incredible writing material for inner conflict. 

Denial - Denial isn't necessarily denial that the character is dead (unless you're readers are in denial, then get ready for a barrage of fan fictions where they don't die), your POVC's denial will stem from that last bit of dying hope that maybe there was a mistake. Maybe the character had identified the body wrong. Just maybe their friend wasn't dead. It's turning around to tell them something and remembering that they are not there, it's hearing a knock on the door and expecting it to be them, and its laughing at old memories while wishing with all their heart that their friend wasn't gone. 

Emotional outbursts - This is when it has finally set in that their friend is dead. Their heart is aching and there are endless reminders of their loved one's life. These, partnered with the grief, causes much anger and pain to burst forth at any given time. 

Anger - This anger, unlike in the emotional outbursts, is directed at the world verses at other people. Why did their friend have to die? Why them? Why is the drunk who killed them still alive? Why why why. Emotional outbursts can accompany these but are not as prevalent.

Fear - Fear can come in numerous shapes and forms. Be it fear of relationship, fear of their mind (memories, dreams, etc..), fear of the event, or fear of death. The character will mostly likely fear for others they care about, deciding that they will never suffer this kind of pain and loss again.

Searching - While this searching can also be finding things to occupy and and all downtime, it is more likely to be a type of soul searching. It is also at this point that they will decide what to do with all the fear bubbling inside of them. Now we say that they are searching, searching for what? the mostly likely thing is answers. They want to understand, or at the very least know, why it happened. 

Disorganization - Their life is a mess. Grief is scattered throughout their life like glitter, and they can't seem to stop finding it. At this point they may be asked to return to work, school, or whatever other activity they are supposed to be engaged in but be mentally and emotionally unable to preform to the same level they used to. They will be under constant stress, from either themselves or others, to get their life back together.

Panic - They can't do it. They can't seem to hold themselves together long enough to fix anything. This is also accompanied by a feeling of uselessness. Their nights are restless, they can't focus on even small tasks, and the are constantly on edge for no apparent reason.

Guilt - Why wasn't I there? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I do something? You character will begin to blame themselves for what they believe they could have done, and didn't. This can also manifest by blaming other family members, friends, or those in a position of power. Logically your character will probably know that none of it is their fault, but even after being assured by many people they will still have an overwhelming sense of guilt. This can often cause them to not fall asleep, cry themselves to sleep, or close off communication and other vital social interaction.

Loneliness - Loneliness is another, albeit deeper, side effect of guilt. Especially if said character isolates themselves from friends and family. It not only stems from being physically alone, but from the idea that they are blamed or abandoned by the character who died. 

Isolation - When hurting people are lonely they actually tend to isolate themselves further. They stop going out with friends because they believe their friends don't care, or blame them for the character's death. They will often hide in their room, or not come home for extended periods of time. They will often be unresponsive when questioned and will sometimes lash out when pushed too far about their activities. 

Depression - A mixture of the last five stages, Depression is one of the lowest parts in your characters road to recovery. Sometimes the Depression is severe, often accompanied by suicidal thoughts and self harm. Other times it's a heavy blanket over everyday life. Your character will lack motivation, joy, and will have trouble feeling things to their full potential. Life will lose it's luster and oftentimes you character will see no point to living wether they are suicidal or not. (Disclaimer: The description of depression above is simplified for your benefit when it comes to writing. Please do not believe that I think depression is this simple or easy to see.)

"Re entry" troubles - Grief can last for years, but eventually your character will probably keep on living and will have to re-enter normal life. This is a very difficult stage, often they are plagued by lingering depression, isolation, fear, anger, and disorganization. It is important that during this time they have a strong support system, if not it makes the tradition much more difficult. Re-entry includes; fully returning to a job (if not done earlier), engaging in friendships, romances, and regaining interest in life passions.

New relationships - Like I said in the above stage new relationships are crucial to healing. Wether they are friendships, acquaintances, or romances, these new bonds help strengthen and re-assure your character's healing. 

New strengths - They are able to recognize their negative thoughts and hopefully rebuke the lies with the truth. Their new relationships will begin to strengthen, and their past ones may be revived. 

New patterns - Your character is finally able to break out of the cycle of guilt and anger, they begin to enjoy life again and laughter comes much easier. 

Hope - They finally understand what everyone was telling them, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's getting closer every day.

Affirmation - Their friends and family begin confirming that they will be ok, the character themselves begins to realize that they will heal. They are helped by others who have gone through loss to realize that the road it still long, but that they will make it through the storm.

Helping others - When they are finally able to come to terms with their loss they are able to extend a helping hand to those who haven't. This is a crucial part of their own healing as they will stumble across lies they still tell themselves in their mind, and are able to work through it with the other person. 

Loss adjustment - The final stage is where your character fully comes to terms with their loss. I know I talked about it in the previous stage as well, but the final stage is where they are finally able to look in the mirror and say "I lost them, and it hurts like hell, but I'll be ok. I'll continue to live." They begin to see life in a completely different manner then before. 

Now not all grief is this straightforwards, and it will vary from character to character. But it is crucial that you do not kill a character, and then mention them longingly five chapters later and never again. 

Also, if you character suppresses their emotions because of another event or person the healing will take far longer to take its course and there will be many mental ramifications. 

Grief, while painful, is a good thing. It allows us to process what life is like without the person we lost.